This is what you have done my love.

Wrote this months ago. Just found it and thought Id post it.

She's running as fast as she can without looking back. She feels the rough rocks cut into her bare feet, and the thorns of bushes scrape her legs. Her vision is blurred by tears, and the wind doesnt make it any better, her hair is blowing into her eyes. She can feel the pain in her lungs from running so long. An hour? Maybe two. But the pain she feels inside...in her heart and soul distracts her from all physical pain. No matter how fast she runs, she cant seem to get far enough. The hurt is with her. Has she died? Has she crumbled into countless pieces in the wind and become insignificant particles? Surely no one can survive such. Any being would become none existent after being this broken.
  She's screaming. Not from any sort of pain u can understand, but from memories. She's pressing her palms to her ears, running and screaming. Because she hears her name on his lips. Yes. He said it. And she saw them. He said the words only meant for her ears to another. Her world, her love, her existence was looking into the eyes of another and defiling his body which was meant for her. He said he would wait. She gave him her hand, she gave him her promise. But no. He threw it away. He threw her away. And the hurt wont stop. Its ripping her remembering his breath. She stumbles. Gasping. Praying it is over, but more pain hits her. No friends. No family. And now no love. So no life. Yes. No life. She's digging into the sand. There's a sharp stone. She holds it to her wrist and tears slowly. She doesnt feel a thing. Nothing at all. And that is good. The pain bleeds away into the dirt. She's slipping into the peaceful nothingness of oblivion.
   "This is what u have done my love. U have drained me of life. This is what u have done my love"

Letter to my ex.

Hi fucker,

What have you been up to? No good I'm sure. Well its not like I care, or maybe I do...just a little. But it's not like I want to care. Anyways...I've been thinking about you alot. And talking about you alot. Can you believe its been 7 months? Even though we weren't technically together, its been 7 months since I had to deal with your fuckery.
    And lately its been clearer to me...all the shit I had to put up with, and how fucked up -you were- it was. I've been doing more than thinking about you since the last time we were cool though. I've been becoming a better person. You were like this black abyss that just kept sucking me in...making me worse. And I loved you. God...I loved you so bad. But I've come to terms with the fact that it'll never be enough...I was never enough. I've stopped thinking its something I did though. You're too fucked up for anyone. God! How was I ever with you? You made me so insecure...always saw what the other girls had that I didn't. And I somehow ended up hating the girls instead of you. Lol. My self esteem, confidence...all died cos of you.
    I know you're probably wondering where all this anger and hate is coming from coz we dont have a real reason for "breaking up". Remember all the shit you did to me? Lying, cheating, telling me you don't care about val's while you went ahead and val'd someone else? Forgetting our anniversary (assuming we dated...which we never really did. Anniversary since the first time we kissed. Anyways), making me lie about loving you to people, saying bad things about the people I care about, screwing my friends, not watching me on stage at the pageant and that time I performed, telling me you don't like the way I dress (you know, that day I wore the sweat pants and slippers)
   Omg I could go on and on. Well turns out I never forgave you for all the fuckery. I just thought I did. You were a fucking...stone...in my path to greatness. But a stepping stone :) You made me better. Wiser. And I won't be like one of those girl's screwed over by your kind who stop to believe in love anymore. Because now I know what we had wasn't love. Yes it was real... so real it hurt. But it was something else. Something bad that ate me up without me realising.
   You know you used to be my sun :) my very centre. You made me feel like everything was brighter. And when we fight and I was without you I'd go crazy. Lol. But I was crazy all along. To even be in that unhealthy thing with you. I was crazy. Young. Gullible. Foolish.
   I hope I made you better. You definitely made me better. I'm still not sure what true love is like. But thanks to you. Im hella sure what true love isn't. You were my most important lesson. I hurt. I have scars to show for it. But it was worth it I guess.
   I have two of your tshirts with me. I don't know if to burn them, turn them into rags or return them. Or keep them for memories. Memories won't be a problem tho. You made sure you carved them in very painfully.
   I miss you. But now I know I was only blinded by feelings. I don't want an explanation anymore. I understand now that you're just screwed up. I hope you stop smoking all that crap. Stay healthy and try to be better. Im trying. Maybe we can both be better and we'd be real friends one day. And be honest with yourself. Try to become a good person. Love God. I know He loves us both. I've been closer to Him lately (although I've been swearing in this letter).
    I'd get over all of it one day. I wish you happiness. Everyone deserves that at least. Have a nice day. Merry Christmas.

     Xx,
BELLA

P.S You never told me I was beautiful. I wonder if it was ever real for you.